It’s time for yet another of my late-bloomed revelations…hurrah!
On august 14th I had to go to Sofia so I could buy this camera – I just couldn’t let this offer slip, because the previous camera I had in mind was double the price, and I liked this one at least twice as much. I considered ordering it online, but then I thought I could travel to Sofia, just because of the fun of traveling with a train and experiencing the life and motion in the capital (and if I have to justify this choice of mine in a financial manner – it is cheaper for me to travel to the capital and buy the camera there, than it is to have it shipped in Dimitrovgrad) The trip was quite interesting, but the reason I write this article is that I had a complex I was unaware of – the small-town complex.
I woke up in the morning and had a shower and some breakfast, and finally I had to pick the clothes I was going to wear. Contrary to the hot summer weather (and contrary to logical reasoning) I decided to wear long jeans and an almost new pair of trainers. “WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS?!” First of all, I want to mention that I do like both the jeans and the trainers. However, I wore them for a reason other than liking them too much. It was because I thought I would… (I am ashamed to say it)…look cooler. I imagined I would look better this way, rather than if I went with a casual t-shirt, short pants and my worn out four-year-old trainers (which, by the way, I like more than I should).
I don’t need mention that I didn’t feel as comfortable as I would have if I had gone dressed normally. However, that wasn’t the reason for me finding this complex; the reason was the people I met on my way. Indeed, there were some that cared about their looks, but the majority of them were dressed in ways that they could feel comfortable, and that’s only normal. Because of this stupid way of thinking, I felt like someone wearing a mask, someone fake. I say people with outfits likely to be mocked in my town, but there it was only normal to wear something that makes you feel comfortable, and it should be normal not only there.
Despite all this, the most compelling event occurred while I was waiting for the tram to come and take me to the train station. I say a beautiful girl walking on the street with a 1.25L bottle of Coca-Cola, and it was so cool! But why do I think it is cool? Because in my cozy little town such an action is not looked upon with a good eye.
The 1.25L bottle is just a few stotinki (the Bulgarian equivalent of cents) more expensive, but the person gets double the quantity of delicious Cola he craves so much. But if one has the audacity to do this, he is very likely to be called a cheapskate. What is more – some people drunk Cola and the similar only at the mainstream cafes (where, of course, the prices a higher) only because it’s “cooler”.
I suppose there is a reason for this kind of mentality; Dimitrovgrad is a small town, where one knows quite a decent portion of the rest of the citizens, so it is easy a conversation about one’s look or behavior to spark up. And since people generally prefer being liked by others, they, to a great extent, conform to the expectations of the speculators.
In the end, no matter how well-reasoned this behavior is in the context of the small town, it actually stands as an enormous hurdle, at least for me. I have absolutely nothing against sitting on the ground, on pavements, on soil, against trees, and almost any surface that is not wet or sticky. I feel most comfortable when I sit in a yoga-like position, and not in the casual way with the feet touching the ground. I like people who do not have prejudice against such manifested preferences, but the substance of this view of mine is lost when the small-town complex calls. In the worst case scenario – to the people feeling the way I do about such things, I may look like a fashion slave, caring too much about outside approval. I felt awful when I saw some boys and girls sitting on the pavement and chatting, while I was with my overly fancy shoes and long thick jeans.
Said shortly, in my subliminal quest to fit in the eyes of others, I felt like I was pulled further from the people who I would care about much more. Finding this flaw is the reason I liked the whole experience so much.